Take Your Mid-Life Crisis Elsewhere!

I don't know how often any one who reads this goes out, because, obviously I can't address people individually, I have to keep it strictly general, but I have recently been noticing a pattern and I don't like it.

This could purely be a pattern with the sort of places I have been to, or the nights I have been to them on, or even the time of the night I have been there.

This pattern is that the places are rammo with middle-aged women. We're not talking 'out-for-a-quiet-drink-with-the-girlies' middle-aged women, we're talking 'up-for-it-and-out-on-the-pull-for-a-younger-man' middle-aged women.

I'm not sure what is worse about it; the fact that they are about 40 and looking for a guy who is at most 20, or the fact that they hunt in packs. It's fucking terrifying.

Just before I start, I'd like to clarify to Ricky that this blog is at least partially, if not mostly about the night we ran in to him and 'The Pigeons' and he said something along the lines of, "You'd better blog about this!"

Admittedly, I'm not entirely sure what "this" was, but I agreed and this will probably have to do, as I'm not much of one to just describe nights out. It may have taken over a week, but it's finally on the way.

Let us get back on topic. The place I'm talking of is called The Spinning Wheel. Until the last two times I went there, it had been packed full of people my age and slightly older. There were the occasional group of maybe four or so middle-aged women, who were no hassle. Admittedly that was in the summer, so I don't know what the deal is in the winter. Maybe it becomes, a term I love dearly, 'Grab-A-Granny Night', all night, every night. Admittedly, maybe 'Grab-A-Granny' is a little bit misleading in this instance, as it is essentially the 'Grannies' doing ALL of the 'Grabbing'. Not that Mike and I (well maybe Mike did, he's a bit of a hard one to read) had any intentions of grabbing any one's Granny, we just wanted a couple of drinks and that.

The only logical reason I can come up with for these women being like this, is that they are having a little bit of a mid-life crisis and are trying to prove themselves as attractive and desirable, despite being almost crusty.

I know it's kind of harsh to point this out, but these women are just not attractive. It just ain't happening. I mean yeah, there are guys my age out there who are partial to a 'cougar' or two(gar), but I am not one of them. And neither is Jamie Duffield.

"Why Jamie Duffield?" you ask. Well because he was being continually badgered by some lady who was 42 or something, but "looked good for her age". The reason she was after a slice of Duffield Pie was purely because he looked like Justin Bieber, which admittedly, he does. I can't say I'd like to be compared to a 15 year old lesbian, but I'm assuming it is some form of compliment as, despite being a 15 year old, Justin Bieber is for some reason considered to be some form of sex symbol.

When I say "looked good for her age", I don't mean that as in somebody else said it because I would agree that she did "look good for her age". I know saying that is considered to be a compliment, but at the same time, it's a little bit insulting, and if not anything else, something of a downfall. She may have looked good for a 42 year old, but compared to an attractive (legal) teen, or an attractive 20-something year old, I think you are somewhat out-of-the-running, well in my eyes at least.

I feel kind of bad for being kind of mean about that lady though, as she actually seemed nice and 'not gropey'. I think she was just out, and having a really good time and happened to stumble upon Jamie "J-Biebz" Duffield and took a bit of a shine.

The woman that decided she wanted a piece of The Paddman (no, I don't actually call myself that), and later on, The Mikester (yes, he does call himself that) was a little more, how might you say, on the prowl?

My first encounter with this lady; and I say 'lady' because she was notably older than myself, was when she starts dancing on my leg. Dancing is a term used very loosely, as what she was doing was essentially humping my leg. There was no rhythm to her movement whatsoever. I informed Mike of my decision to go to the bar, to get some of that juice "what helps you forget and that", in an attempt to repress any memory of a woman twice my age getting her hump on.

My second encounter was somehow more unsettling. I'm just chillaxing and ting; I then notice someone has grabbed my ass, so I turn around to see who it is, assuming it is Mike or one of the guys from Ricky & The Pigeons. It isn't. It's the leg humpy lady.
"Sorry, total accident." She claims, her hand still squeezing my buttock.
"But, erm..." I say. I look at her hand, still clutching my cheek, and look back at her. She smiles, I turn around and walk away. This isn't sexy, this is verging sexual assault! To the bar, ahoy!

I managed to spend the rest of my night avoiding this lady, but Mike wasn't so lucky. I see him disappear into the crowd, being pulled by the arm by humpy-ass-grab lady. I turn around and head back to the safe-haven of the bar. Mike soon follows, looking rather pleased with himself.

My instant assumption was that he had done something with this lady, but he grins and tells me of the incredible dance moves he started pulling out (which I can't remember now, but I would like to think one of them was the Mike-Claydon-Classic, The Squid), before the woman lost interest.

I'm all for women having a mid-life crisis; in fact, I embrace the mid-life crisis. But rather than making sexual advances on nervous teenagers, why don't you buy a fast car, or buy some clothes that you would more likely see your daughter in, or get a tattoo. Just do anything other than grabbing my bloody ass!