Weird And Noteable People Robin & I Have Come Across In The Bay (Part 1)

Robin and I spend a lot of time just sort of hanging around Torbay; we don't do anything of particular interest, but we think we've come to realise how it has become a more than tolerable activity. Despite the fact that neither of us have particularly great attention spans, we've managed to keep this up for quite a while.

I think the main reason we don't get bored is because we come across the strangest people. The main reason I've only name dropped Robin in this is because it is him who I have come across the funniest of these people with.

Somehow, these people provide endless entertainment, and we manage to still find them funny regardless of how long ago, or how (in)frequently we may run in to them.

I'll most probably do these in blocks of five or six, depending how I feel. Why? Because some of them take a little while to explain and I wouldn't want to read such a ridiculous amount of writing.

These aren't in any particular order, just as they come to mind:

Stroke Lady

I always feel a little bit bad for identifying this lady by what is essentially brain damage, and actually quite debilitating, but it isn't just the fact that she has had a stroke that makes her notable. Any one else who has had a stroke hasn't been noted by us. What makes her at all distinguishable in town, is the fact that she wears a beret.
"But that's not interesting, loads of people wear berets. In fact, I'd go as far as to say they can actually look quite stylish!" Well I'd actually appreciate if you wouldn't interrupt me, then you'd get to know why this makes her notable. I feel awful for how this is most probably going to sound, or make me come across, but yeah.
Well you know how berets kind of go down on one side? Well I think you know where this is going? You know how when people have a stroke; one of the symptoms is 'Facial Weakness', and a recognised part of that is half of the face drooping. Well she wears the beret with the droop on the same side of her head as the stroke symptom droop. I am a terrible person, and I think this is maybe one of those things you think, but should never share.

"Britain Used To Rule" Guy

This guy was a one off run in; Robin and I were walking through some alleyway after band practice, so I had my guitar. There is a drunk man walking past on a path that is slightly above the alleyway, but running parallel and he stops. He starts telling us that it's good that we have 'a look' and that it's not cool for bands to wear just jeans and t-shirts any more because that is 'so Oasis' and out of date. Then he decides he wants to become a song writer of sorts, and begins dishing out the lyrics. I say lyrics, but I mean he had like one line that he repeated multiple times, and repeatedly gave us permission to use. He told us we needed something to get everyone riled up, shouting it back at us. Something close to the heart of the nation.
"Britain used to rule. Fact, not fiction!"
He said, no chanted this, for a while; to no particular tune. Then he'd deviate slightly, before returning straight to his ingenious lyrics/statement. "Britain Used To Rule" Guy still rules. Fact, not fiction.

Ashtray Handbag Lady

There isn't much of a story to this lady really; but she is someone who we saw fairly regularly for a while, but she has now kind of disappeared into obscurity. Her name is probably quite confusing to anyone not in the know, but once I explain, I think you'll probably understand why she has this name. Ashtray Handbag Lady is basically an old lady who walks around Paignton, emptying ashtrays from on top of bins into her handbag. What she does after this, we would even like to begin to think about. I can only assume she rifles through, finding anything even remotely smokeable. "Smoking: Leave your self respect at the door".

Drunk Scottish Man

I think the Drunk Scottish Man has been a fairly prevalent character within Paignton quite recently. I'm not just being general, and suggesting that all Scottish people are always drunk as they always seem to do on the comedy shows. There is actually a man who is Scottish and really drunk. We've had two proper encounters with him, and two general experiences of him. I'll start with one of the experiences: It's less than interesting but he walked out into the road and nearly got hit by a car, he then started yelling at the car and turned to me, "Did ye see that?! Bastard nearly 'it me!". Well our first proper encounter with him was set on a bench. Robin and I are sat there, and Robin is smoking. The man asks for a lighter, which Robin provides, and the man retains until we pluck up the courage to leave. During his stay he informs us of how much vodka he has drank so far that day (a lot, bearing in mind it was mid afternoon), he nearly sat on me, he nearly threw up, he shouted at a tour guide and a group of tourists, he spat on the floor, and he swore profusely. The second encounter was in the bus station; he asked Robin if he had a spare cigarette. Robin gave him the one he was smoking, hoping he would move on. He managed to put it out, before having it re lit for him; he then followed up by coughing and spluttering like he didn't know how to smoke. He couldn't stand straight, and nearly fell into both of us multiple times whilst telling us a story which was almost certainly entirely fictional. The story involved him threatening to throw a 'youth' through a window after asking him, "De ye like that window!? Well Ah'm go'n put you through it!" After he finished the story and the cigarette, he stumbled slightly away before returning as though he had never been there at all, "De ye have a cigarette, mahn?" We explained the situation, and offered us a packet of Fox's Golden Crunch before we escaped in the direction of the bus. The second experience comes the following day, fairly early in the day, on the high street. Robin spots the man stumbling down the road, harassing an old woman. The police clock him and then continue down the street to have a conversation with another pair of police. They're rate efficient round here, if you didn't know!

Bucket Man

Bucket Man is definitely my favourite of the people we have seen about. It's one of those stories that you just wonder why it always seems to happen to you. Bucket Man is the stuff legends are made of! Bucket Man is a hero. So Robin and I are walking down from the guitar shop and a man with a bucket stops us, puts his bucket essentially on my leg and says something about looking after his bucket, and not disappearing because it's his livelihood and he'll only be gone for a couple of minutes. We stand on the spot he left us, baffled and one bucket (with a rag in it) richer. I suggest leaving as I'm convinced it is some form of 'hilarious' joke where we stand with the bucket all day from a fear of being stabbed if he caught us leaving. Anyway, the man comes back, thanks us and walks away but in the same direction as us. We awkwardly mill around to give ourselves a bit of distance. The man strolls off, with his bucket and we run into Mike and Jordan, who we stand chatting to for a couple of minutes. They go into a bakery, and we wait patiently outside; Robin on his phone. Enter Bucket Man. "Excuse me mate, can I borrow your phone to make a call?" Robin passes it to him, despite later saying the guy stank of Carlsberg, and I noticed blood on his head. He starts speaking to someone on the other end about some, presumably knocked off, aluminium ladders and telling him to call him on his number because he was on his "mate's phone". He then thanked Robin and left. Does this make us Bucketeers? I think it does!

Lidl Champagne Rape Guy

This man is probably my favourite shop worker ever. He is literally the bomb. I can't remember who was there each time, but he talked to us about this a couple of times. I know Robin was there at least once, and so was Joe. Basically, Lidl had an offer for a couple of weeks, where you could buy a really poor man's champagne or something for 99p. It wasn't particularly nice or particularly strong, but it was fizzy and that is what matters. Well none of that particularly matters. The general gist is that the Lidl Champagne Rape Guy told us about him and his mates getting it but it taking them "About ten bottles to get pissed". He then told us about how they got one of their mates a opened one of the bottles in his ass, before proceeding to tell us that we hadn't lived until we had done something similar. We said that we would never be up for that, and he told us he would do it to us if he saw us out. We got threatened (albeit jokily) by the cashier at Lidl with rape. Not just normal rape; Champagne Rape.